All day yesterday was one of those really great days where the kids were good and nothing gave me a headache, and everything went well… and this was a FIELD TRIP DAY, people. I cannot describe to you how much I hate field trip days. But this one rocked. If I wrote about work here in any kind of detail, I would TOTALLY write about this. But I don’t. And also, yesterday evening? Did not follow the serene course of the rest of the day. I had a conference, and then rode over to a gym with Joey because his team was in a tournament there. As we were parking, I off-handedly mentioned to him that I was going to call the midwife’s cell and see if she wanted me to come in in the morning. I was feeling guilty (as I am sure reads LOUD AND CLEAR from my last post) that I was being stubborn and maybe irresponsible. And also I had just realized that all the (gross alert!) excessive discharge might not be just an icky pregnancy thing, that it was really QUITE excessive, and probably I should mention it to the midwife since it was happening in conjunction with the backpain and the cramping, etc.
So I called her from the gym (and what a fun thing that was, trying to describe fairly personal symptoms discreetly into a cell phone, in a crowded room full of high school boys. If I had crammed myself further into my corner, I would have been sticking out the other side!) and she said it sounded like my water had broken, and that I needed to go directly to Labor and Delivery, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. And I tried to backtrack and make sure that I hadn’t used any inflammatory rhetoric. But I’m pretty sure that rather than “Help, Mayday, there’s water EVERYWHERE, this boat is SINKING!” I was pretty calm and accurate. All my blood whooshed down to nowhere, but even though I couldn’t stop picturing my womb as a SWIRLING TOILET OF DEATH that I was too stupid to notice, I did NOT indulge in any hysterical crying while waiting for Kanga to pick me up. Instead I focused on drinking a bottle of water (I think somewhere in my brain I was hoping that it would miraculously replenish any lost amniotic fluid or something) and being very angry at myself. Because angry was the calmest option I could hope for just then.
I struggled, the whole way there (and it was a long drive to the particular hospital I had to go to, we passed two other hospitals on the way) because while I was OBVIOUSLY never going to forgive myself for being stubborn and stupid if anything happened to the baby, I was wondering if anyone else could ever forgive me. Particularly Joey.
But we got there, and got all hooked up to some monitors that let us hear my baby’s truly heroic heartbeat and some serious hiccoughs, so I calmed down a bit, internally. And whiled away the time feeling sorry for everyone who I was inconveniencing by this trip to the hospital, particularly Joey, who not only had to worry that there was something seriously wrong with his wife and unborn child, but couldn’t BE THERE for most of it because he had to coach the game still, which was a little wearing on him, to say the least.
And eventually we found out that while I was having contractions (at least now I KNOW what a contraction feels like. People keep asking me if I’m having any, and I keep wondering how on earth I would know, as I’ve never had any before.) and such, the baby was staying comfortably in place and all my symptoms were caused by a raging bacterial infection. Which is wonderful! Bring on the antibiotics! And also, I hereby swear to not be stubborn and stupid (in regards to prenatal care) EVER AGAIN.
We went home, exhausted and hungry, and pretty much collapsed. Much to the disappointment of McLovin, who had been left alone in her (very spacious) kennel most of the day and was NOT PLEASED, not even a little bit. She seems to have recovered now, though. I’m still struggling with my emotions a bit. In addition to the horrible bone crushing guilt, I am also feeling:
Stupid that I didn’t call sooner.
Stupid that I did call and it wasn’t a real emergency.
Bad for inconveniencing everyone.
Stupid because everyone will think I just have to have drama and the center of attention.
Bad because HOW are we going to pay for that little jaunt to the hospital?
Scared about my ability ( or lack thereof) to make good choices and handle situations like this.
and
Insane, because I have clearly set myself up in a classic Lose-Lose situation, as described by my psych professor. If you follow my thinking carefully, you will see that I am a horrible person if there was anything wrong with the baby, and also a horrible person if it wasn’t really an emergency after all.
Which seems to imply that deep down, I really just think I am a horrible person. Which is kind of true. And that sucks, but I’m not entirely sure what to do about it at this point, and I don’t know that I would have the energy to do anything even if I knew what to do. So I guess that for right now, it will have to be enough that the people I care about the most love me whether I am horrible or not, and would forgive me, even if I never did.
Holy cow, talk about emotionally draining stuff. Things happen when you’re pregnant the first time, it’s kind of trial and error. But I totally know what you’re talking about. I was terrified when I was pregnant. Hubby had always wanted children and I didn’t want any. He considered it a trade-off, he married me knowing that we most likely wouldn’t have children, but he got to marry me! And then, even though I was on birth control, we still ended up pregnant somehow. I’m still wondering how that happened. I was petrified, and even after Kaydn Rye was born, I was still petrified. Maybe I had some kind of post partum depression, I don’t know, but it wasn’t good for the first month or so. So, dude, if I can make it, you’ll fly through it!
Don’t feel badly about your trip to the hospital. I went in falsely several times–once because I had LOST BLADDER CONTROL BUT THOUGHT IT WAS MY WATER BREAKING. yes. you read it right.
Everyone was very kind. They didn’t snicker till I was out of the building. Hang in there. I’m glad they caught the infection, that can be serious. I’m glad you are far enough along that if they baby does come it won’t be a big deal.
Lucy, you’re not sounding very much like a lioness right now. Get some rest. You’re not horrible. You’re hormonal. And tired. Feel better tomorrow.