I know school is going to start soon when I start having Those Dreams. The ones where I’m writing something on the board for my students to copy on the first day of school. Only I’m writing it in shaky five-year old writing that even I cannot read, and my dry erase marker is running out of juice, I’m mis-spelling everything, having to erase and re-write over and over, smudging anything I’ve successfully written already. And mysteriously, things appear on the board in someone else’s (very legible) handwriting, which would be great if only those things had anything to do with the lesson I am attempting to teach. Meanwhile, of course, the students behind me are behaving terribly. Also, the copy machine down the hallway has burst into flames.
Yeah. I totally did not make that up. Its always such a relief to wake up from Those Dreams.
And no, I have yet to forget how to write in real life. Or, for that matter, ask someone calmly if the copier is supposed to shoot flames like that, and then walk serenely away to deal with problems of real importance.
Weird anxiety dreams aside, my absolute favorite time of the year is upon us. I LOVE autum – the feel of the light and the weather, and how everything is crisp and organized and full of possibilities. So, by extention, I also love August, the month of getting everything crisp and organized. I make lists, charts, plans, more lists. I really love making lists. I’m still feeling queasy, but a lot better now, so I feel like I can get our apartment in order. I have a hard time separating my job from my life, I guess because I love my job, and because so much of my time and family is wrapped up in my job. So getting up this morning and doing laundry and spot-cleaning the carpet felt like steps toward the end goal of us being organized and together, able to focus, able to be good teachers, able to be less and less crazed with every new year we have of being adults.
I’m not the best housewifely person in the world, even though I really do love domestic things. I made dinner last night, but the dishes were left out all night. I do the laundry, but it sits in the washer too long and sours. The once beautiful plants on our balcony have died a cruel and unusual death ever since I got pregnant.
And I’m good teacher, but my classroom gets messy. I procrastinate on big important things and then end up rushing and freaking out and just barely getting them finished at the last moment.
Still, I carry on. I clean up the mess, or finish the project, and vow to do better next time. And I do. A little bit at a time, but I think I’m making progress toward being more organized, more tidy, more responsible, more disciplined, more grown-up.
When Joey and I went to get his books for this semester, I found this at the college bookstore:
Yes. A student planner. They gave us these at the beginning of each school year at my college, and I loved them. Except the last year, when they got cheap and gave us really useless, teeny-tiny planners. But ever since I graduated, I haven’t been able to find a planner that I really meshed with. If it is possible to actually mesh with a planner. I have all my old planners from college in a box somewhere, and they are the most accurate and detailed ‘journals’ a girl could ask for. But whatever. I found this one, and it is perfect and I love it, and it is yet another step towards beating back chaos.
Next? I’m going to cajole Joey into both throwing away all the dead plants AND taking me to get some chrysanthemums and pretty pots to put them in. Which I promise I won’t kill with benign neglect. Honest. “Water plants” will be written in my planner at least once a week.
