2:35 AM: Must pee! NOW!!
5:00 AM: Very awake, but it is still dark out.
7:10 AM: Of course the alarm goes off TWO MINUTES after I’ve fallen back asleep.
7:15 AM: Stumble around, curse at cat and make ineffectual kicking-type motions in her general direction because FOR THE LOVE OF GOD shut up!
7:20 AM: Check email.
7:30 AM: Look.
7:40 AM: At.
7:50 AM: The.
7:55 AM: Pretty.
7:50 AM: BLOGS!
8:00 AM: Must actually stand upright and put on makeup and such.
8:01 AM: Good thing my wonderful husband washed some clothes for me last night! There is an outfit, there in the dryer, looking perfectly good enough!
8:02 AM: Standing upright SUCKS and makes me vomit. Will gladly kill whoever invented this upright-standing thing.
8:05 AM: To distract self from the horrible, dreadful malaise of morning sickness, will think of kind and diplomatic ways to suggest to someone that they are being stupid, while half-heartedly applying makeup.
8:15 AM: Discover that I am neither diplomatic or good at applying makeup. Also, WHO CARES how I look, I will just be rushing around vomiting all morning, which is endlessly amusing to my students.
8:15 AM: Wake up my boy-toy so he can drive me to work in a semi-conscious state.
8:20 AM: Which is okay, since we live seriously a BLOCK away from where we work.
8:30 AM: Good morning, fabulous co-worker! Chat, chat, chat.
8:45 AM: Turn on lights, fishtank, cd player, et., in classroom.
8:47 AM: Escape stepping on a gigantic, prehistoric, revolting, omigodomigodomigod ROACH by MERE INCHES. *
8:48 AM: Die.
8:50 AM: Call Joey, and explain predicament in perfectly calm, reasonable tones.
8:55 AM: Tell Joey that it is okay that he doesn’t want to come kill THE HORRIBLE BEAST for me, even though I can’t currently set foot in my classroom. Possibly use the sentence, “No, of course I won’t be mad if you don’t come. I just won’t be as impressed as I would be if you DID come.” Reassure him again that it is OKAY, AM A BIG GIRL, and I still love you anyway.
9:00 AM: Search for a heavy container to trap the T-Rex sized bug with.
9:03 AM: Realize that a.) there seems to be nothing heavy enough to prevent this beast from moving, and the thought of a cup skittering around the classroom, propelled by a mutant roach is too terrible to contemplate; and b.) that plan would involve going over there, next to the roach.
9:07 AM: Hover anxiously near front door, waiting for any hapless students of the boy variety to wander in.
9:10 AM: Is that my husband? Walking up to the school? Looking somehow both irritated and amused? Yes it is!
9:11 AM: CRUNCH.
9:12 AM: Knock innocent bystanders over in my rush to GET TO THE BATHROOM and THROW UP.
9:20 AM: Hug and praise wonderful, fabulous, amazing husband, who totally WINS at being married.
9:30 AM: Actually teach some children some stuff.
10:00 AM: Throw up some more.
10:10 AM: Resume teaching.
12:30 PM: Dismiss students with varying admonishments, including a stern lecture about how the next person to leave his McDonalds lunch in my classroom over the weekend (and thereby attracting hideous insects) will die a slow and painful death.
12:35 PM: Chat with the fabulous peoples some more. We talk a lot.
1:00 PM: Arrive at home, nearly passing out from walking up TWO WHOLE flights of stairs.
1:05 PM: Make valiant effort to eat an Arby’s Beef N Cheddar sandwitch so kindly provided for me by my darling husband.
1:07 PM: Decide that discretion is the better part of valor, and take to my bed after three bites.
1:20 PM: Allay Joey’s fears that I will NEVER want to get pregnant again. Am miserable but it is SO WORTH IT.
3:00 PM: Get up and quickly find something to eat before the rigors of standing upright make me throw up some more.
3:05 PM: Eat leftover artichoke and spinach dip, and do not vomit it right back up. A Christmas miracle!
3:30 PM: Read The Captiveby Scott O’Dell. Reading that is actually for my job! Life is too amazing for words!
4:30 PM: Weirdest, suckiest ending EVER! I was all into the book, too, but spare me from an abrupt, ambiguous ending! Did he do that with Island of the Blue Dolphins? Surely I would remember.
4:40 PM: Will now work on more work things, on the computer.
4:45 PM: But first must check my email.
4:50 PM: Look.
4:55 PM: At.
5:00 PM: The.
5:05 PM: Pretty.
5:10 PM: BLOGS.
5:15 PM: Decide to commemorate Joey’s rising above and beyond the call of duty with a True Wife Confession, my first one ever!
5:25 PM: Decide also to write in blog, to be disciplined and also dedicated to keeping a record of the fascinating minutiae of our lives.
5:30 PM: Even though this is really just about me.
6:15 PM: Dear God, the Internet EATS TIME FOR BREAKFAST! I have WORK to do still, lots and lots of WORK and also I need to SHOWER and maybe try to eat again! And then do everything all over again.
6:17 PM: Except the part with that revolting bug, pleasepleaseplease God?
* Yes, am a girl, a wimpy, helpless GIRL. But roaches have alwayshad this effect on me! They are the creepiest, grossest things ever. Last year? Joey and I were in our old (ghetto) apartment, sitting in the dark living room watching TV? And haha, the cat kept sniffing at my legs like a weirdo? And like ten minutes later, I felt something on my bare foot. And like any reasonable person, I leaped ten feet into the air, shrieking at the top of my lungs and stripping all my clothes off, for lo, it was a huge revolting roach on my skin. Poor Joey ran around frantically, looking for my seizure medication, before he realized that I don’t have seizures, so there was no real explanation for what was going on until he picked me up bodily and demanded to know what was wrong with me. So precedent had been set already, M’kay?
